Izaya Lubes Up Celty's Severed Head And Shoves It Up His Ass
by axelDANGERfrankenstein
Summary: "We shall see that at which dogs howl in the dark, and that at which cats prick up their ears after midnight." H.P. Lovecraft


Izaya was bored. Namie wasn't there, and no one was in the chatroom, so he was just sitting on his couch and playing with Celty's severed head. Then he got bored of that too so he threw it onto the couch, and then he took off his pants. He thought about humans and fondled his beef bazooka. Izaya really loved humans. Except for Shizu-chan. He thought about stabbing Shizu-chan in the neck with a megachainsaw. It made his dooflocky really hard.

Izaya didn't want to sex Shizuo at all, he was all weird and not nearly as awesome and smexy as Shinra. Izaya thought Shinra was clearly best human. How could he be going out with some dumb headless whore when he had Izaya's perfect sexy body right there?

In his fantasy, Shinra showed up just as Izaya was done destroying Shizuo's stupid worst human 2016 face with his megachainsaw. "Celty just died in a fire! Now we can be together, my love!" Shinra said and then took off his shirt seductively. He was really sexy and had an eight-pack and stuff.

"Oh Shinra, your nipples are so beautiful." Izaya said and then they started making out sexily. Then Dream Shinra whipped out his sparkle brush and started to buttfuck Izaya.

"#besthuman2016" Izaya moaned as he put one of hands up his prison purse while he used his other hand to violently abuse his quarter pounder with cheese. But he had played with his slutty little butthole so much over the years that his fingers or even the dildo weren't big enough anymore so he couldn't do semen.

He remembered what was sitting next to him.

The head.

He took the big bottle of lube out of his sexy drawer and greased up his chocolate starfish. Then he poured a huge glop of lube on Celty's head. Izaya slicked up the head as well as he could, rubbing lots of lube through the its long, luscious hair. When he decided it was oily enough, he bent over and slowly shoved it up the old dirt road while he screamed.

Then Namie came in.

Then Namie left.

He pictured Shinra destroying his anus with his human-head-sized weiner on top of Shizuchan's corpse and made jizz all over his clothes and the couch and the walls and in his eyes.

* * *

~A few minutes later~

Shinra was at home watching silly Japanese game show and eating cheese puffs when his phone rang. He picked up the phone. "The fuck is this?!"

"...Hi."

"Stop calling me I'm never gonna twerk for you!"

He started to hang up but the other man yelled "Wait don't hang up that's not what this is about I have an actual medical emergency this time!"

The doctor brought the phone back to his face. "What, did you get stabbed again? Because you probably deserved it."

"No, I have a...uh...something's stuck up my…my butt."

There was an extended awkward silence.

"Stop judging me!"

"Damnit Izaya." Shinra facepalmed. "Ok, have you tried, y'know, lubricating it."

"Of course I tried that! Look, it's really big and it's just, it's up there pretty good and I'm kind of freaking out."

"What is it?"

"...What?"

"What's stuck in your anus? How big is it?"

"...I don't wanna tell you."

"I'm your doctor, you have to tell me. And I'm gonna see it if I have to go over there, anyway."

Izaya mumbled, "celtyshead"

"You have to say loud it enough for me to hear it."

"It's Celty's head, ok! Your girlfriend's head is stuck in my bum!"

"What."

"I said stop judging me! At least I'm not boning a headless chick!"

" _How did it even fit?!"_

" _I don't know!"_

" _ARE YOU A WIZARD?!"_

"Wha-"

" _ **ARE YOU A BUTT WIZARD**_ _?!"_

"I'm not a butt wizard!"

" _Did you go to Buttwarts and study butt magic?!"_

"You're not helping!"

Meanwhile, at a bar across town, Namie did dozens of shots in an attempt to wash the pain away, but she would never be clean again.

Shinra took a deep breath and composed himself. "Ok, we're probably gonna have to cut it out. Although, I have no idea how you could fit it up there to begin with, so maybe not. Are you sure you aren't a wizard?"

"No."

"Because if you _are_ a wizard, you need to tell me."

"I'm not a wizard, now get down here and help me get this thing out of my ass you sexy bastard!"

"Seriously how did you get Celty's head in your anus?"

Celty, who was watching TV with Shinra, jumped when she heard this.

'What are you guys talking about?' she typed.

"Celty, I was so absorbed in this conversation, I forgot you were there! Forgive me my love! I shall never neglect you again!" He went to hug her but got slapped.

Izaya said "Oh shit, Celty's there?!"

She typed frantically, 'What was that about my head and an anus?!'

Shinra wondered if he should tell her. On one hand, he was still worried that she would leave him if she reunited with her head. On the other hand, this was the funniest thing ever and he had to share it with her. Maybe she wouldn't even want her head anymore if it had been in somebody's ass. It might have poop on it. "Izaya has your head stuck in his ass."

'Are you shitting me?'

"Did you seriously just tell her?!"

"I had to, it was too funny!"

"No it's not!"

"Oh my glob I have to tell Shizuo."

"No you don't!"

"This is just gonna make his day!"

"I will end you!"

"I'm gonna put you on hold, k?"

"He can't know! Nobody can ever know!" But Shinra was already calling him.

Shizuo's phone started ringing. He was tied up and naked in the back of Russia Sushi and doing a thing with Vorona and Simon while that other guy filmed them. He answered the phone angrily but once Shinra told him the good word, it brought him such joy that he could never gain from earthly pleasures. He went on to tell his friends, and they told their friends, and so on, and soon everybody knew about Izaya getting something stuck in his butt.

* * *

~A few more minutes later~

Celty awkwardly waited outside Izaya's apartment while Shinra went inside to help the dumbass. She heard him yell from the doorway, "Why is there so much semen?! Did you have a crazy orgy in here?"

"No..."

"What the fuck, dude?!"

Celty sat outside and thought about her head. She had been looking for it for a long time, but she hadn't cared about finding it as much since Shinra started giving her the d, and she wasn't sure if she wanted it at all now that she knew it had been in Izaya's butthole.

She heard both men screaming from inside and...was that a falcon? Was there a falcon in there?

...Still, it was _her_ head, and it belonged attached to her body, but on the other hand, it might have poop on it! She didn't want to touch Izaya's poop! That would be nasty! And who knows what other unspeakable things Izaya did to her poor, innocent head.

After a few more minutes of listening to loud noises, Shinra ran outside.

"Okay, we got the head out but now Corporal Flapflaps is stuck in there!"

"Shinra help he's biting my organs!"

"I'm coming!" he replied. "Here you go." He chucked the head at Celty and quickly went back inside to rescue the corporal. Celty didn't want to touch it and let it hit the wall. She watched it roll on the ground.

'Welp, I guess I have a head now.'

It was covered in oil and ass juice and blood, and had dingleberries hanging in its hair.

And so everybody lived happily ever after except Namie Izaya Celty Flapflaps The end.


End file.
